When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is to date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands.
When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated, and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.
Kristina Salen, the leader of Fidelity’s media and internet investment group, told me that when she was dating, she wanted to see how much a boyfriend would support her career, so she devised a test. She would break a date at the last minute claiming there was a professional conflict and see how the guy would react. If he understood and simply rescheduled, she would go out with him again.
When Kristina wanted to take a relationship to the next level, she gave him another test. While working in emerging markets in the late 1990s, she would invite the guy to visit her for the weekend … in São Paulo. It was a great way to find out if he was willing to fit his schedule around hers. The trials paid off. She found her Mr. Right and they have been happily married for fourteen years. Not only is her husband, Daniel, completely supportive of her career, he’s also the primary caregiver for their two children.
Even after finding the right guy—or gal—no one comes fully formed. I learned from my mother to be careful about role definition at the beginning of a relationship. Even though my mother did most of the household work, my father always vacuumed the floor after dinner. She never had to persuade him to do this chore; it was simply his job from day one.
At the start of a romance, it’s tempting for a woman to show a more classic “girlfriendy” side by volunteering to cook meals and take care of errands.
And, suddenly, we’re back in 1955. If a relationship begins in an unequal place, it is likely to get more unbalanced when and if children are added to the equation. Instead, use the beginning of a relationship to establish the division of labor, just as Nora Ephron’s dialogue in When Harry Met Sally reminds us:
HARRY: You take someone to the airport, it’s clearly the beginning of the relationship. That’s why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
SALLY: Why?
HARRY: Because eventually things move on and you don’t take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, “How come you never take me to the airport anymore?”
If you want a fifty-fifty partnership, establish that pattern at the outset.
Source - Make Your Partner a Real Partner ( Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg)
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